Modern Classics

by Josh Keeling

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.
Painting suggests James Joyce’s bizarre fixation with Wilde’s ‘Dorian Gray’.

The Catcher in the Rye.
Cricket player’s remains discovered in J.D. Salinger family bakery.

Put Out More Flags.
Modest Evelyn Waugh commemoration enrages author’s fans.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
Tabby stuck on Desire replica in Tennessee Williams exhibition as heatwave strikes.

Down and Out in Paris and London.
Depressed failed baseballer found squatting on Eurostar, claims “Orwell’s kept me sane.”

Love in a cold climate.

Meteorologist travels to Norway and finds romance with fellow Nancy Mitford fan.

Death of a Salesman.
Bookshop owner suffocates beneath landslide of surplus Arthur Miller plays.

The Great Wall of China.
Kafka family reveal author’s extensive porcelain collection.

I, Claudius.
Robert Graves’ letter’s to himself suggest pan-civilisation schizophrenia.

The Joke and its Relation to the Unconscious.
Coma victim and sibling (circus clown) targetted by Sigmund Freud in bizarre rant.

Parade’s End.

Book festival finale marked by inflation of 50-foot Ford Madox Ford shaped balloon.

Casino Royale.
New Burger King menu marks Fleming’s fast food legacy, cheap pun suspected.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
Newly uncovered diary shows Truman Capote’s love of his mistress’ pancakes.

A Clockwork Orange.
Publishers print Anthony Burgess’ original plans to mechanise fruit.

The Witches of Eastwick.
Hertfordshire feminists reportedly offended by John Updike novel.

Poetry Please.

Drop in sensible poetic structure worries many, “Whatever.” States Keeling.