Honey’s Monologue

by Tina Mander

LARRY, 29, is that Jewish guy who thinks he’s black. Tupac is his idol. Opposite him is, HONEY, 21. She’s the Sunday school type; long dress but hair that looks like its shampooed with crack; its mighty big.
They are sitting in the far corner, on love seats.
This is the good stuff I take it? I’m being polite when I tell you, “I take it?” I’m no dumb shit. I know a good piece of steak when I see one, and this mumbo jumbo dripping sweet bitch ass has got juices sweeter than your sisters’ pussy ahhh.
Is here for, let me get this straight. I mean. Let. Me. Get. This straight. This here right here is £52.
[Honey puts her menu down. ]
I need that attitude from now on. Your nose is a large turn-on the way you oh shit.
[She sticks her tongue out.]
Meant your nose is large and yeah you get me. I know you’re feeling me. I’m not shy but I’m shy of white Jews. Got a thing for you people. Got damn! I don’t even know how to eat this steak. It’s just gone be dribbling down my chin and into my lap. You gunna be like, “you pissed yoself?” Once I was eating the yogurts with the sauce in it. I dropped it on my lap, and it looked like I had started my period. I hadn’t, I did though like, about three years after. Good thing I ain’t on now because it woulda been harder to run from you if my back was aching and not from lovemaking. I want you to look behind you; yo. Look behind you, I’m about to slip my hand in your pocket, take your wallet. I’m not wearing my heels. Not in preparation for the run. But I will get on my knees in front of you, chin down, and ask you to flash your mobile light so that I can help you find your wallet afterwards.
[Honey is making an aeroplane outta the menu.] 
Hate maths but I’m mighty fine at calculating people. Boxing fanatic what’d you expect? I love me some chess. Bet you can feel me in your mind. I will be a rage on it. The way I plan to rob you is gunna make your blood seep the wrong way round your body; I don’t even know if that’ll make you turn blue or purple… details such as yourself are not important right now.  I stopped listening to you when you said, “happy birthday babe, happy babeday.” My invisible manhood is bigger than your one inch wonder, so I will order the turkey for us. It’s £14 and its light enough to run on.