nobody ever wins, nobody ever loses

by Sherrie Talgeri

and if i could                  myself in night, i would
                      immerse
fill up a bathtub with bruise-skied insomnia
turn down the taps & drown
in starwater

                   in stars,
 submerged
                                constellations
                                                   tucked in the crooks of knees or elbows &
                                                 water-
                                                                                                                 fall-
                                                                                                                 ing
   down
   a
   collar-
   bone
naked as an x-ray,
the universe is loud and swimming in my pupils
i feel like God:
so maybe i am,
omniscient & wrapped in infinity;
                                            yeah, i could be God
swaddled in the endless milky way
with strip-lighting for skin
& something that only smells like blood,
that only tastes like pennies, is sprinting
through my superior vena cava:

a manufactured deity,
                                    yes, made
                                                            because this has been the
                                                                            making of me
but wait, though--
                  there was an ‘if’ at the beginning
                  of that sentence--
                                        i didn’t draw a bath
                                        i didn’t become God
 
so:
    half-full
    half-empty
    not-jesus
    just-human
   

                    i am nothing
and then you say what you haven’t been saying
this entire time:
yeah, well,
that could be anyone