Honey’s Monologue

by Tina Mander

SCENE SIX.
INT. IVORY SLEAK RESTAURANT. EVENING.
LARRY, 29, is that Jewish guy who thinks he’s black. Tupac is his idol. Opposite him is, HONEY, 21. She’s the Sunday school type; long dress but hair that looks like its shampooed with crack; its mighty big.
They are sitting in the far corner, on love seats.
HONEY:
This is the good stuff I take it? I’m being polite when I tell you, “I take it?” I’m no dumb shit. I know a good piece of steak when I see one, and this mumbo jumbo dripping sweet bitch ass has got juices sweeter than your sisters’ pussy ahhh.
[PAUSE]
 
Is here for, let me get this straight. I mean. Let. Me. Get. This straight. This here right here is £52.
[Honey puts her menu down. ]
 
I need that attitude from now on. Your nose is a large turn-on the way you oh shit.
[She sticks her tongue out.]
 
Meant your nose is large and yeah you get me. I know you’re feeling me. I’m not shy but I’m shy of white Jews. Got a thing for you people. Got damn! I don’t even know how to eat this steak. It’s just gone be dribbling down my chin and into my lap. You gunna be like, “you pissed yoself?” Once I was eating the yogurts with the sauce in it. I dropped it on my lap, and it looked like I had started my period. I hadn’t, I did though like, about three years after. Good thing I ain’t on now because it woulda been harder to run from you if my back was aching and not from lovemaking. I want you to look behind you; yo. Look behind you, I’m about to slip my hand in your pocket, take your wallet. I’m not wearing my heels. Not in preparation for the run. But I will get on my knees in front of you, chin down, and ask you to flash your mobile light so that I can help you find your wallet afterwards.
[Honey is making an aeroplane outta the menu.] 
 
Hate maths but I’m mighty fine at calculating people. Boxing fanatic what’d you expect? I love me some chess. Bet you can feel me in your mind. I will be a rage on it. The way I plan to rob you is gunna make your blood seep the wrong way round your body; I don’t even know if that’ll make you turn blue or purple… details such as yourself are not important right now.  I stopped listening to you when you said, “happy birthday babe, happy babeday.” My invisible manhood is bigger than your one inch wonder, so I will order the turkey for us. It’s £14 and its light enough to run on.