Charlie’s Bedtime Performance

by Rachel Lewis

Kick kick kick. Kick.

Do you like the 183 Panamerican Airlines crash from
New York to Gran Canaria? Was it a good plane crash?
Would you have liked to be in that air crash? Was it good?
Was it good, was it, did you like that Panam crash?

Oh cock. (Said proudly, placed on the boundary
Laying a land mine in the air) Oh cock.
Sorry!  (wait, bate breath)
James May said Oh Cock, did he?

Kick kick. Kick. Cough cough.
I’m dying! I’m running out of air!
I’m worried I’m dying! Help me!
I’m dying! Mummy! Save me!
Oh. No. But am I, could I, have died?
Cough (painfully, deliberately)
Daddy died. He passed away, did he?
He got cancer and died, did he?
What about if someone liked having cancer because
The medicine was so yummy? He died.

Cough. Kick kick. Cough cough.
I’m dying! Help me Mummy!
I breathed in a bit of dust from my pillow
And I’m worried I’m dying – record!
Was that a record? Am I the only boy to have done that?
Cough. Kick kick. Giggle.
Do you like Easyjet planes?
Sorry! I’m sorry! Sorry Mummy sorry
I’m SO SORREE AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
AUGHHHH AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
No no NOOO! Don’t be cross!
Don’t phone anyone! Please!
Not on my own, please please Mummy please
No don’t phone her please! Don’t phone
Just put me to bed, NOOO, put me to bed
I will I will AUUGH DOOOOOOOOOON’T!
I’m sorry Mummy. I’m sorry, I wish I wasn’t this way Mummy
Is everything going to be alright? Will there be a punishment?

That was then – now I’m not laughing, not laughing am I? Now?
Frightened, I was just worried. (Nervous cough)
I have to improve – I will never do that again
I’m going to never do that again, never.

(To be repeated each night from the age of 9 for a number of years determined at the director’s discretion)